Of Love, Trains and Ressurection
by Theabraxas
Summary: A fic set after a failed Third Impact. A train ride, angst and some sweetness at least, I was aiming for sweet . First fic. Title-ghastly. Summary-ghastly. Story-probably ghastly but you won't know until you read, will you? Rated T to be paranoid. SxR


Hello, everyone! (Hello? Is there anybody there?) Here is a little something for you all to read. It could probably be alternately titled: 'How not to write a oneshot', but I suppose that's not up for me decide. Its a Shinji/Rei fic and the first fic i have written, so please, don't be _too_ harsh. Its set in a slight alternate universe, where the two had a relationship prior to the attack of Mr. DNA. Other than that and the mysterious death of Gendo, everything else was pretty much the same. Oh and I've written it so Rei II and Rei III are the same person, albiet in a different body (In my opinion they are due to events in the series and manga, but others may think differently. But this is _my_ story, so don't comment or I'll insert you into one and make you die horribly! 8( (BTW that was a joke..._or was it?_)).

*Dons flame retardant suit*

Anyway...I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion. If I did, be very, very worried. Please read and review, if you can survive the suck pulling your eyes from their sockets.

Vote Quimby.

Shinji Ikari was quiet as he gazed out the window of the train, gazing morosely at the outside world with his forehead pressed hard against the glass. He took in little of the view, but by looking he took his attention away from what he did not wish to confront. He pushed against the window as if trying to break through it, and maybe he was, considering who sat beside him.

Rei Ayanami watched him with equal silence, her crimson eyes centred on the back of his head, gazing at the Third Child with disturbing intensity. Shinji shifted slightly, to rid himself of her reflection. At one time, he would have enjoyed that attention, if he could overcome the disbelief and embarrassment. But now, he would rather she just disappeared.

It had been three weeks since Third Impact had failed. Shinji did not know why, but all his father's schemes and callous manipulations had come crashing down about his head. The events of that day had been kept highly classified by the respective authorities, but even had it been otherwise Shinji honestly did not want to know. Someone had apparently intervened and stopped Gendo Ikari's plans along with his heartbeat, and Shinji was as glad about the latter as the former.

Prior to Third Impact he had made improvements in his demeanour and self-esteem. He would never be outgoing, but he had been more confident, more extroverted, more _contented_ than when he arrived in Tokyo-3. Many had commented on that, often coupled with a knowing glance towards Rei. They had been close, like drawing to like. Both were quiet, thoughtful individuals and often overlooked by others, though he could not tell how anyone could overlook Rei. They had similar interests in music and reading, and had piloted their EVAs together against the ferocity of the Angels. Despite Shinji's terror of being hurt and Rei's lack of social experience, they had drawn close and even kissed after the battle with the mighty 14th Angel, the first of many times. In their often bleak and depressing lives, they had clung to one another emotionally as much as they had physically. Maybe more. She had been his first and only girlfriend, and he had treasured every moment.

Until Armisael.

In one horrifying moment, the bottom had fallen out of Shinji's life. His heart had died as surely as she in the blinding explosion that marked her sacrifice, and even as he ran towards her he collapsed, his synch-rate dropping to zero as razorwire tore his soul. Unit-01 had crashed to the ground like a puppet with the strings cut, and Shinji never piloted successfully again, breaking down in uncontrollable tears before the synchronisation-ratio reached ten.

He almost did so again as he relived the torment, moisture trickling uncontrollably down his cheeks. He angrily brushed the tears away, trying desperately not to think of the times she had done so for him. He wished he was anywhere but here, with anyone other than her. She had returned after the battle, lying bandaged in an infirmary bed. His heart had soared like a rising eagle...and then dropped like a stooping falcon.

_She hadn't even remembered his name._

Ritsuko had been gentle as she showed him the tanks; she had been warmer around Rei ever since she learned of their relationship, and had even advised the blue haired girl about it. Shinji suspected she had despised Rei for her near-mindless devotion to the commander, and as that devotion waned her hatred followed suit. After she quietly explained Rei's origins she had even tried awkwardly to comfort him, in that monstrous room of clone-bodies, 'replacements' as she called them, but it had been obvious she didn't know how to begin.

_Nothing could replace her..._

_She_ had been absent for the fortnight following the failed Third Impact, and had only appeared sporadically after that. He had avoided her, hating the way she reminded him of his loss. But now he found himself sitting next to her, on one of the trains that ran eternally through the city NERV had built. The nerves of NERV. Priceless.

The only reason he had not run was because _she_ was in the way, the only thing that had stopped him from using violence was that ever-nagging hope she might truly be Rei. But he knew deep down, as his mind's eye surveyed the giggling clones, that she was a copy. A fraud.

'I am Rei.'

His head spun as if she had slapped him. Ignoring the tears which still dribbled down his face he faced her, the ache of longing throbbing in his chest as he stared at her unearthly form.

'what did you say?' was his reply, made a croak by the held back sobs.

'I am Rei' she spoke again, her lips barely moving as she gazed at him. What _was_ that in her eyes? Sadness? Longing? Frustration? Maybe all or maybe none.

'What do you mean by that?' he shot back, longing to return to the bittersweet salve of recollection.

'You think me a fraud, a mere...simulacrum of the true Ayanami Rei. It is not so.'

'Yes it is. You are a disgrace to her memory.' Shinji hissed, turning away. A pale hand fell on his shoulder, pulling him back to face her. She gazed at him with all the intensity of a thermic lance, a look of hurt touching her porcelain cheeks.

'Why to you believe that?'

'You're a clone' he spat. 'A copy with no similarity save the physical. An imitation, a sham, a-'

She cut him off with a slap, the sound echoing through the otherwise empty train carriage. Shinji stared in disbelief as a red mark grew on his left cheek. The anger on her face faded as he watched.

'Did you gain this belief from your visit?' He knew what she meant. When he had barged past Ritsuko to see her, ignoring her hand on his shoulder as she tried to speak to him. When he had rushed to her side with tears of happiness streaming from his eyes, grabbing her hands and kissing them before doing the same to her cheeks, babbling his love and relief through gasping breaths before three words had smashed his joy like halfbricks through a window.

_'Who are you?'_

'Yes.' He whispered it softly, the tears running down his face now, biting his lip so as to prevent himself from crying.

'I am sorry for that. It takes time for the memory transferral to settle down. It is an imperfect process, and difficult to refine by its very nature.'

Grief was subsumed into anger at the blue-haired girl's revelation. 'So you stole her memories along with her appearance?' He snapped, crying held back for the time being.

'No. I had them...given back.' She paused before speaking, as if trying to find the right words. She looked a little like crying herself.

'They aren't yours. You don't deserve them, you aren't worthy of those memories!' Shinji screamed those last six words into her face, watching her flinch at his outburst.

'What makes me different from her?' Rei asked quietly. Shinji gasped softly as he realised what he had done. He had thought of her as Rei. As he did that optimistic piece of him screamed forth its hope, even as the rest of his embittered mind tried to quash it.

'There are three parts to a human' Rei continued softly. 'The mind, the body and the soul. Of those the body is a mere vessel for the true consciousness, the soul. The soul is consciousness, the thing that looks out at the world. But it needs the mind, to give it perspective through it's memories. Without your mind you would still be conscious, but you would not be Shinji Ikari, not truly. The soul has its own memories, so you would know yourself through dreams and odd feelings, but little more. The mind completes you. With your mind and soul, you could be in any body; no body at all, and you would still be Ikari Shinji.'

Rei's voice intensified through the speech, leaning slowly forwards until their foreheads touched. Shinji just stared at her, gazing into her eyes as she all but shouted the last line into his face.

'You...know a lot about this' he spoke weakly. Multiple feelings were building in his chest, but hope was predominant. But with it came horror. The horror that if she _was_ Rei, the _real_ Rei, then...He had stayed away from her for the better part of a month. And when they finally met, he did his best to ignore her before spouting vicious insults.

Fear gripped Shinji's heart. The fear that she might leave him over this, that his horrible treatment of her would cause her to ditch him there and then. _I probably deserve to be, _he thought. Rei opened her mouth.

'I was taught by the Commander. He saw it as important.'

Shinji shook with tension.

'My mind and soul are one' she whispered.

_'Prove it' _Shinji croaked, trembling. '_Prove that you're really Rei!'_ He was paralysed by hope and doubt and fear, joy lifting him in its warm embrace as it struggled with the mire of uncertainty and the freezing gale of mind-numbing terror. Rei's face was one of similar fear, mingled with confusion, both of which would be hard for most people to pick up upon...and then they were replaced by another look. The look of one who is terrified, but wouldn't back down for the world.

'I...I'm not sure...what expression I should make...at a time like, like this...' She breathed, and Shinji's doubt was banished. The words she had spoken in Unit-00's entry plug after he scorched his hands to save her, the first time he had ever seen her smile.

_Her smile..._

It was as if she could read his mind. Rei's lips curled up in a smile that made her eyes light up, sweet, innocent and utterly genuine, purging the last traces of uncertainty from Shinji's aching heart.

The response was not what Rei had expected.

Love and affection glowed in Shinji's eyes and across his face as he drank in every aspect of her smile...And then he broke down in tears.

'I'm sorry, Rei' he gasped in between great, juddering breaths. 'I'm so sorry I thought you were fake, that I didn't recognise you, that I insulted you so badly...I don't deserve that smile, I don't deserve to be in your presence' He sobbed uncontrollably as he finally let himself cry, blood trickling from where he had bitten his lip too hard in an effort to hold his feelings back.

'If it were not for you, I would not know the meaning of a smile' Rei whispered as she gently embraced him, cuddling his head to her breast.

'And I forgive you for everything.'

Shinji continued to cry. 'I don't deserve to be forgiven...'

'Do not say that. I forgive you for everything, and I would forgive you for anything. _Anything._'

Shinji pulled himself up from her chest and gazed into the endless, blood red depths of her eyes. 'B-B-But what if I became like, like father...'

'That will not happen. If it did...it would no longer be you.' Rei breathed softly.

Shinji smiled shakily. 'You...You really think so?'

'I know it'

Eyes shining with gratitude, Shinji kissed her as thoroughly as he knew how, feeling her arms wrap around his neck as she returned his affection. He pressed close to her warmth and breathed in the sweet scent of her hair and body as he clumsily explored her mouth. Clumsy or not, to Rei it was subliminal.

They didn't notice as the door chimed and passengers stepped onto the train, and wouldn't have cared if they did. Even a loud and innocent query of 'Mummy, why is that boy trying to eat that girl's mouth?' failed to rouse them. In fact, they nearly missed their stop.

Not that they would have minded.


End file.
